|Posted by mamato2 on September 30, 2011 at 4:30 PM|
So my life has been kinda crazy since spring. I was having some ups and downs I had to get worked out, and hitting goal really played with my mind. Coming to terms with the final result was hard when I hit goal. I always pictured when I got here I would be a certain size and look a certain way. Never pictured the damage done to my body all those years in the equation. THEN when I did finally get over the whole I did it and now what feeling, I got scared. No more clapping for me, no more awards, just the rest of my life to be accountable for my choices. It felt daunting and very uncertain. I know when people hit goal they often play around and gain and I could see that happening to me. I felt out of control and sad that everything I had worked so hard for 2 years for was vanishing. I had to take a step back, take a breath, look at the number where my body wants to take a breather and go from there. So I did.
This whole time, all these months I kept fighting a feeling of defeat. I couldn't keep my original goal, I had to reset it, Lots of the time I am even a few pounds above that and I have to kick it in to oeverdrive to get back. Then I realized what I have learned.
I have learned I can still live life, mess up, or even decide to make choices where being on plan is not the center of my world, and still come back to being on plan. I can go to Vegas and eat and Cheese cake factory 3 times and share cheesecake each time and just hit the pavement to make up for it as long as it is not a habit. I can have a birthday meal or order a cheeseburger and see the scale go up and know what I need to do about it. I can live this life with out perfection and when I stray just get to work on it as soon as I can. This feels more like living and less like deprivation. Today this feel like something I can do the rest of my life. Now tomorrow may feel different. I may be starving at 8:00 and out of points and feel like I can't do this anymore and just have a pity party. I do things like that, but more and more I feel like I might be able to do this.
I always carry with me what Peter says in the bible about not being sure of yourself lest you stumble. I know the odds of keeping this weight off are so slim, but today I just wanted to remind myself on this blog, that there are days that are easier and I can do this. Then as I was thinking that and came to my site to blog about it I see that in 2 days it will have been 6 months since I hit goal. Don't look now, but I am doing what I have lived in fear of. I have maintained 6 months! Half a year! I have kept it not exactly where I would like to be, but under control. That's half a year! Maybe I will beat those odds after all!!!!!!