Yep, when I struggle I hide from my own web page. I feel ashamed and scared and I want to inspire people not disappoint them, so I hide. This time has been months. I wanted to get back into a great row of losses and then update how I was out of the woods and in control. That is not to be right now.
What I can update is that I have not given up. I have gained to the tune of 20 pounds, but I am still fighting. I am hoping it will come off fast as a lot is water I think, but even if it comes off slow I am still here. I have not raised the white flag.
I thought hitting lifetime would be hard. Everyone warned me. I saw friends hit and gain. I knew what my chances were. All I could do was hope my training for 2 years in working the program would help me. It has helped me, just not in the way I thought it might. It has helped me in the way that even though I am coming off a huge dark time in my life, and even though hitting my goal has left me feeling like I am grasping for some answers, and even though I am stumbling and I am gaining then losing then gaining then losing, I AM HERE! I am here and I am fighting the good (sometimes ugly) fight. I am facing my gains, dealing with them and trying again. I AM HERE!
I know this is a the rest of my life battle. I didn't sign up to lose a few pounds to look good in a bikini. I signed up to stay alive. I signed up to not hurt. I signed up to walk into Walmart with out being out of breath. There is a learning curve as I adjust to what I will and won't do as a forever habit. There is coming to accept a body that is not what I hoped it would be when I was done. There is learning that others who find it hard to believe I am done losing just don't matter. There is coming to terms with the fact that my life may consist of losing this 20 pounds again just to gain it when I stumble, just to lose it again. That may be the life I am destined to have. Maybe not, maybe I will get it together and lose a bunch more. Who knows? If I stay where I am right now I am still over 100 pounds lighter and better off.
So while this is not the post I wished to be making about how I hit lifetime and am out living the good life and staying on program with ease, this is the post saying I am starting new every morning, I am not givnging up and I believe that every little change I learned is going to have equipped me to take each of the battles in the lifetime war as they come and to get back up again!