With God All Things Are Possible!

It is of the LORD'S mercies that we are not consumed , because his compassions fail not.
They are new every morning: great is thy faithfulness. Lamentations 3:22-23


view:  full / summary

Back in the saddle again.

Posted by mamato2 on July 20, 2012 at 10:05 PM Comments comments (0)

  It has been some rough months weight wise.  I would gain ten pounds, get 7 or 8 off, then gain 12 just to lose 5.  Up and down till finally I got so sad it was only up, up and up.  

  I have felt so ashamed and embarrassed.  I know I am not the first person to gain their weight back.  I never went into this thinking, nope, not me.  Never going to gain mine back.  I am a realist.  I knew I would probably be in this spot someday.  I have friends and family with a lot less to keep off that told me it would be a struggle and  believed them.  All I had to hope with was that it took me so long to lose that maybe I had made some of the habits permanent. 

   I see from the number on the scale that I did not make many of them permanent.  However, I did make some of them life changes, and I am proud of those.  I still like to make healthy meals.  I don't bring a lot of junk into the house.  These have helped.  It is the binges and emotional eating that  battle and lose to.  I think it is safe to say I will always battle these.

  However, I stopped it before I had it all back on AND I am NOT giving up.  I went back to my meetings, and I am trying my hardest.  Now I may keep gaining and gain it all back.  I have no idea, but I will keep trying this time.  Time till tell, but I feel hopeful.  I will post back soon. :)

Say what?

Posted by mamato2 on September 30, 2011 at 4:30 PM Comments comments (0)
  So my life has been kinda crazy since spring.  I was having some ups and downs I had to get worked out, and hitting goal really played with my mind.  Coming to terms with the final result was hard when I hit goal.  I always pictured when I got here I would be a certain size and look a certain way.  Never pictured the damage done to my body all those years in the equation.  THEN when I did finally get over the whole I did it and now what feeling, I got scared.  No more clapping for me, no more awards, just the rest of my life to be accountable for my choices.  It felt daunting and very uncertain.  I know when people hit goal they often play around and gain and I could see that happening to me.  I felt out of control and sad that everything I had worked so hard for 2 years for was vanishing.  I had to take a step back, take a breath, look at the number where my body wants to take a breather and go from there.  So I did.

  This whole time, all these months I kept fighting a feeling of defeat.  I couldn't keep my original goal, I had to reset it,  Lots of the time I am even a few pounds above that and I have to kick it in to oeverdrive to get back.  Then I realized what I have learned.

  I have learned I can still live life, mess up, or even decide to make choices where being on plan is not the center of my world, and still come back to being on plan.  I can go to Vegas and eat and Cheese cake factory 3 times and share cheesecake each time and just hit the pavement to make up for it as long as it is not a habit.  I can have a birthday meal or order a cheeseburger and see the scale go up and know what I need to do about it.  I can live this life with out perfection and when I stray just get to work on it as soon as I can.  This feels more like living and less like deprivation.  Today this feel like something I can do the rest of my life.  Now tomorrow may feel different.  I may be starving at 8:00 and out of points and feel like I can't do this anymore and just have a pity party.  I do things like that, but more and more I feel like I might be able to do this.

  I always carry with me what Peter says in the bible about not being sure of yourself lest you stumble.  I know the odds of keeping this weight off are so slim, but today I just wanted to remind myself on this blog, that there are days that are easier and I can do this.  Then as I was thinking that and came to my site to blog about it I see that in 2 days it will have been 6 months since I hit goal.  Don't look now, but I am doing what I have lived in fear of.  I have maintained  6 months!  Half a year!  I have kept it not exactly where I would like to be, but under control.  That's half a year!  :O  Maybe I will beat those odds after all!!!!!!

Coming out of hiding!

Posted by mamato2 on July 19, 2011 at 11:40 PM Comments comments (0)

  Yep, when I struggle I hide from my own web page.  I feel ashamed and scared and I want to inspire people not disappoint them, so I hide.  This time has been months.  I wanted to get back into a great row of losses and then update how I was out of the woods and in control.  That is not to be right now.

  What I can update is that I have not given up.  I have gained to the tune of 20 pounds, but I am still fighting.  I am hoping it will come off fast as a lot is water I think, but even if it comes off slow I am still here.  I have not raised the white flag.

  I thought hitting lifetime would be hard.  Everyone warned me.  I saw friends hit and gain.  I knew what my chances were.  All I could do was hope my training for 2 years in working the program would help me.  It has helped me, just not in the way I thought it might.  It has helped me in the way that even though I am coming off a huge dark time in my life, and even though hitting my goal has left me feeling like I am grasping for some answers, and even though I am stumbling and I am gaining then losing then gaining then losing, I AM HERE!  I am here and I am fighting the good (sometimes ugly) fight.  I am facing my gains, dealing with them and trying again.  I AM HERE!

  I know this is a the rest of my life battle.  I didn't sign up to lose a few pounds to look good in a bikini.  I signed up to stay alive.  I signed up to not hurt.  I signed up to walk into Walmart with out being out of breath.  There is a learning curve as I adjust to what I will and won't do as a forever habit.  There is coming to accept a body that is not what I hoped it would be when I was done.  There is learning that others who find it hard to believe I am done losing just don't matter.  There is coming to terms with the fact that my life may consist of losing this 20 pounds again just to gain it when I stumble, just to lose it again.  That may be the life I am destined to have.  Maybe not, maybe I will get it together and lose a bunch more.  Who knows?  If I stay where I am right now I am still over 100 pounds lighter and better off.

  So while this is not the post I wished to be making about how I hit lifetime and am out living the good life and staying on program with ease, this is the post saying I am starting new every morning, I am not givnging up and I believe that every little change I learned is going to have equipped me to take each of the battles in the lifetime war as they come and to get back up again!

Life on maintenance :P

Posted by mamato2 on April 15, 2011 at 5:22 PM Comments comments (0)

  So for anyone that finds there way here and is not familiar with maintenance the procedure is you set a goal.  You reach it and celebrate hitting your goal, while at the same time begining 6 weeks of maintenance.  During those six weeks you learn to keep your weight in a 4 pound range of 2 above or 2 below your goal weight.  It does not matter where it falls on those first 5 weigh ins, but on the 6th (or haowever many it takes there after) if you are in the range you hit the Lifetime status.  From there on out you are free if you are under your goal plus 2 pounds.  

  I am on week 3 of this right now.  First one was in goal, second over by a lot.  I will be trying to remedy that this week.  It is very challenging figuring out your new point plus range, but if it takes me longer than the 6 weeks, oh well!

  Then after I am lifetime I can lose down to whatever I am comfortable with and give myself some cush room in there.  I am not sure now where I would like to end up.  I don't want to set my final goal too low for the risk of not being able to maintain. 

  So I am in a 5K this week end!!!!!!  Oh my!  I can't believe I signed up for it.  Signed the hubby up too.  I am excited/scared. 

   Also I cleaned out my closet this week.  I had so many sizes it was overwhelming in it.  I have very limited space and it was time to do some cleaning out.  It was scary getting rid of those clothes that I had to special order so they would fit me.  They were expensive and I fear if I need them again from gaining I won't have them now.  It was so shocking to see the size difference in the clothes but honestly when I had to bag them up,  I cried a while because I feel like everything is changing so much right now.  It can get a little confusing somehow.  It feels kinda lonely.

  Anyway, life feels a little exciting but shaky at the moment.  I suppose it is always kinda like that though.  Uncharted territory will do that to a girl.  For now I am just going to try and focus on who I am in God and try and remember that is really all that matters.:D

  This is my new 3 month journal I track my food and goals in.  I had it made.  Isn't it so cute?



Posted by mamato2 on April 2, 2011 at 8:41 AM Comments comments (0)

  I feel like I am dreaming! I lost 7.4 pounds yesterday and made it to goal!  I wanted to write this yesterday but I couldn't even get my mind to slow down and stay put long enough.  I am so excited!  I am also scared though.

  People just love to tell me, well this is where the hard part starts.  I am aware of this.  I know they are right.  I know my chances of keeping this weight off are so very, very small.  I know like 98% people gain their weight back.  I know this starts the rest of my life with no rewards or applause but the same tracking and weigh ins.  I know!    I wonder what people want me to say when they say this.  Oh, this isn't going to be easy?  Might as well gain it back and get it over with.     

  I have a few thoughts on this.  First of all, I know I may regain this.  I live in fear of it.  That just means I should enjoy getting to goal while I still can right?  Second, it has taken me well over two years to get here.  That means I do have slightly more practice than a normal person dieting and all I can do is hope this helps me be more prepared for the years to come.  Third, this is why I picked my goal weight  I picked.  I didn't pick one that most women would be excited about.  I still don't have a great body and never will.  I do however feel this is a weight that may help me be able to keep it here.  I can still eat and not have to exercise a ton, yet the doctor is happy with it.  Hopefully that will help.

  Well, I thought this would be a real positive post, but I guess my fears are showing.  I signed into my computer to change my weight and it said you don't want to lose any more weight and added 6 more points to my daily allowance.  That is hard to wrap my mind around.  It is really scary.  

  So that is where I am right now.  Scared/excited.  That sums it all up.  We are going to celebrate at my meeting this Friday so Dan and Dani can be there.  I am bringing my before pic and my big jeans.  It will be fun!

  I need to get to the rec.  I can't think I can stop that now, lol.  Drats! 

Kicking it up!

Posted by mamato2 on March 7, 2011 at 5:09 PM Comments comments (0)

  So I have been in a blah area!  I think it is this dumb weather and time of year.  I got a couple good size gains from out of no where which always hurts when you are working the prorgam the best you can.  I lost a few back but was still feeling discontent and like I couldn't get full on my point range.

  After going to my meeting, and after talking to my leader I saw I was stuck in a rut.  I bought a new WW cookbook and had one of the best week ends I have had in a long time.  We tried 2 different steak recipes.  We have the lasagna from the book in the oven right now.  The best part is I am full when I am done.  Sometimes I fall into the trap of saving too many points for snacks because I am afraid I will be hungry and then I get hungry because my meal is not big enough.  This snapped me out of that cycle.  I am so glad it did!

  Also since I was getting close to goal I was obsesssing.  I do this.  I had to tell myself what am I obsessing for?  It's not like I can hit goal and then go have pizza.  This is my life.  I better find a way to enjoy the journey because this is how I will be living.  Having better meals planned makes me feel a lot more positive about that.

  I am back in the single digits to get to goal now, but barely.  I don't really care right now.  I am just trying to focus on doing my best day by day and that's it.:D

  I will post a pic of my Spicy Teriyaki Steak.  It was amazing!  

2 Year Anniversary!

Posted by mamato2 on January 30, 2011 at 8:56 AM Comments comments (0)

  Two years ago today I walked through the doors at Weight Watchers, faced the scale for the first time in years and began this daunting journey.  I didn't hold out any more hope that this would be the time than any other time.  I never really thought I could do it, I just thought it was time to put forth some effort in saying I tried.

  When I had done weight watchers before I stuck it out till I lost about 30 each time.  Then two things would happen.  Life would happen, and I would mess up.  Second, I would panic.  I can't do this, it's too hard, there is too much to learn, it takes too much time, I have too far to go, etc. etc.  I would just see how hopeless it was, and decide even if it wasn't  hopeless it was not worth the price tag that came with it.  End of trying.

  This time was somehow different.  I didn't feel the got to hurry up and do this I usually did.  I set off at a nice slow pace.  I decided ahead of time that I would eat every point I was given.  I would use my extra weekly ones and I would trade it for slower losses each week just to make it livable.  I decided I would not start in on rigorous gym routines that I would tire out of.  I wouldn't allow myself to start anything that I didn't intend to do for the rest of my life at that level.

  I think the biggest difference this time is grasping the fact of picking myself up and dusting myself off and starting again.  Like the verse, treating each morning as a new start.  Whether it is a evening binge or a couple week stumble, get up and get back on.  I have had quiet a few of those this journey.  Some have really set me back and some really took a long time to recover from.   I would feel so sad and disappointed in myself.  I would just want to tell myself I knew I would not be able to do this.  But looking back I guess it all worked out ok.  I have learned and hopefully tucked away some valuable tools to help me the next time it happens, which I am sure it will.

  Anyway, I just wanted to take a moment and reflect.  God is good and He is my strength.  I thank Him for these two years of learning and pray I trust Him for many more.

It's a new day

Posted by mamato2 on January 22, 2011 at 10:52 AM Comments comments (0)

  That is the WW song that is everywhere now.  It does make me think about my favorite verse that every day is a new day though.  Sometimes when I look back on this journey as a whole it feels not worth it.  It has cost me so much.  It has cost me a lot of money.  A lot of energy.  A lot of time with friends.  A lot of people treating me different.   A lot of missing out on old favorite foods.  So much time!  It feels like a high price  to pay somedays for a smaller size pants that is still a lot bigger size than most people hope for.  Somedays it doesn't seem like a good trade to me.  Some days I miss a lot of the things that have changed.

  And then it's a new day.  And the habbits I have worked for 2 years on building into my life come into play.   I can feel the changes in my body being stronger and being a newer me and I love it.  I don't struggle to get off the couch.  I don't feel so ashamed of myself.  I don't hate myself for the choices I made about what I ate.  I don't miss the money I would have spent on something anyway.  I don't care if I am not a great size because I am a better size. 

   I don't care that I missed out on my favorite food when I go to bed that night.  Tempting food is so hard sometimes.  When I know everyone is going to be having pizza except me.  It is so temporary though.  Like I have never cared I didn't get something after it was over.  I have no regrets of not having had a piece of cake or pizza in the past.  It is just the temptation of the present.  I try and tell myself to hang on cuz in 20 minutes when everyone is done eating, I won't feel ripped off anymore, just proud of a good choice.

  So, I am rambling, but what I want to get down here is that some days make this feel not worth it.  Then there is a new day, or God's new mercies on a new morning and I see the advantages of staying the course even on those days it doesn't feel worth it.  Right now I feel like it is.  I just had a healthy breakfast, I am heading to the gym.  Have a crockpot of veggie soup on the counter, and my day planned out and it feels good.  So when I go back to read this on a day when it feels like it stinks, I can just hang in there till it's a new day!

  Oh and the pic is that I can wear my hubbies jeans now.  Yes they are too tight but i got them buttoned! 


Fa-la-la-la-lots of temptations!

Posted by mamato2 on December 10, 2010 at 5:35 PM Comments comments (0)

  Yep, 2 weeks from today and Christmas Eve will be upon us.  Before that there is a party at church, In laws Christmas, cookie baking day, and the annual Christmas Eve Eve party.  Then there is Christmas Eve at my Mom's.  It will have every food that is my favorite times 100.  If by some huge freak of nature I survive with out crashing and burning we move on to New Years Eve which is snackfest 2010. 

  Wow!  Kinda scares me.  Not scares me like oh my I may come off the holidays with a 2 pound gain?  Just scares me like what if I fall off and never get back up? Or scares me like what if I do get through these holidays this year with no damage done?  Is this what I have to look forward to the rest of my life?  Dreading in a weird sense the times that are happiest because I may not behave myself?   I feel like a serial(no pun intended) killer lurking in a desserted parking garage, lol.  Like that urge will always be there and at any unknown minute it may get the better of me and ruin my life.

  Ok, so that was a lot of drama, but like anyone read this anyway, lol.  I just like going back and reviewing my feelings sometimes.  For the record I lost 1.6 today.  That leaves me with 14.6 to get to the doc's goal.  Then I will be free at meetings after 6 weeks.  Woohoo for free.  Then I can move on to deciding where I want to end up for the long run.

  I am liking Points Plus.  The free fruit is real nice.  I even went to Baker's Square and had an 18 point piece of caramel, pecan french silk supreme pie with that loss.  Of course I almost fell over when I saw that, but I guess it all worked out.

  I got a cleaning tip of 50 dollars yesterday.  I spent it on fresh goceries.  I got Zima super sweet tomatoes, sweet tiny pears, cutie oranges, chicken breast and stuff like that.  I am excited to have it in the house.  Being broke is hard to keep produce.

  We are cooking out tonight since it is a heat wave of high 20's here.  Hamburgers and sweet potatoes for me.  Yummy!   

Oh the holidays!

Posted by mamato2 on November 26, 2010 at 4:23 PM Comments comments (0)

  What is it about the holidays that make us so nostalgic?  Memories past?  Family together?  Loved ones that aren't here any longer?  For a girl that borders on the outer edges of sanity when it comes to emotions anyway, it is a hard time of the year to be me.  

  There is the whole "the kids are growing so quick" thing that is probably the one to bring tears the quickest.  Danielle is 12 now.  If I am blessed to have her home till she goes to college if she does, I have 5 more years with her.  It seems I just picked out her little one piece outfit she wore in her first Christmas picture in the stocking. 

  There is the whole "what have I done to please God this past year?" thing.  This one brings shame as I see how much time i have spent on trivial pursuits and selfish wants.  I could do so much better.

  There is the whole "I could be farther on my diet if I hadn't gotten derailed a few times" thing.  I don't so much care about this one because on the whole I have still lost a good chunk, but I can't help but think about it.

  There is the whole family and friend get togethers that  have the whole "I will be nice to you now, because you have proved yourself worthy by not being a fat slob this year".  This one makes me want to tell them to jump off a cliff.  I am the same person inside.  The number on the scale is all that has changed.  Ok and maybe on my clothing size but that's about it.  I admit I am able to overcome a lot of fears to share who I am a little better now that I have lost, but what I share if the same silly, emotional, mess of a person I have always been.

  And then there is the whole "food makes everything funner and better memories" thing.  Of course I want my kids to grow up and say, oh lets make those cookies mom use to make us.  Or remember the breakfast pizza mom made on Christmas morning every year?  That's life, like it or not.  Food and memories go hand in hand.  Yep, I could serve them other things, but I doubt they grow up and say, "Mmmm, remember those carrot sticks mom fed us that one Christmas?".    I just wish I could do baking and have the will power to stay out of it, but alas if it is being made in my kitchen the sad truth is I will eat way to much of it.

  So, I am wondering what this had to do with my weigh in today?  Not much, I guess.  I lost almost 3 that I gained last week.  New program starts next week which I am nervous, but excited about.  Basically this is just some random thoughts that have been plaguing me and I thought if I wrote them out they would go away. :)

  Here is to a great week on plan!